so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
