Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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