who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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