and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
