dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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