I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
