we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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