I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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