You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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