We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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