Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
