I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
