Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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