i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
