My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
