I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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