So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
