I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
