i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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