What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
His hands were made for my vagina.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
