She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
