Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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