Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
