the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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