someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
