I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
