I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
