I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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