Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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