Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
