Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
