WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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