Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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