First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
