u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize