So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize