He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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