k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize