I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
