Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Drunk is not a location!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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