that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My life is pants optional.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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