im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
