Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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