I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
