I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
