how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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