I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
