I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
