I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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