You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
