I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize