they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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