i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
