Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
