I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
