how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
