so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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