why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
