he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize