if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
