I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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