I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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