I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
