The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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