If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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