i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
