I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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